HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I fill condoms, not promises.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
