I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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