I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
