maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
