Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
