We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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