He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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