You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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