I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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