i permit you to call me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
