How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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