Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
