I met the friendliest cop last night
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
