They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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