Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
