Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
