They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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