It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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