I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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