Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
