I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
