I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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