Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
