you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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