I am in a vortex of obligation.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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