He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
