4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
