Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
