i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
