we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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