I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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