I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
