Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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