Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
its liver damage thursday
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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