her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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