I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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