So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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