Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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