if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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