I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
