oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he thought i was a dude.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
