Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
