he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
