We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
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