i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
