I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
