I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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