high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
