Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
