I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
